jennzah

Published: 78 articles

if i can live through this, i can do anything.

currently listening : “Champion” by Fall Out Boy

it’s been a long time since i decided to write a personal blog post — these are usually very few and far between because i keep things close, i guess. i used to have a Livejournal and i spilled my guts to it for about ten years. This blog was meant to be a book blog, but i’ve moved that part of my online life to a place where i’m allowed to flourish.

life recently has been very strange. my bi-polar has flared like a bastard; indicating factors are having a very ill family member who i’m grieving and angry for, the notion that i am not getting any younger and some of my goals still seem so far away, and general just BS bipolar crap. You know how being one is — sometimes the days are high, sometimes the days are fine, and sometimes the days are so hard you don’t want to leave the house. I’ve been having alot of those latter kind of days.

Struggling with knowing that this family member is going to leave us, and how it’s completely unfair. I know of a few people who deserve what’s happening to this person more than my awesome family member does – namely the stepmother and stepfather who abused me for years, the current president, etc. Coming to terms with “this is just how it is, and it’s not about who deserves what”, has been super hard for me. this is where the grief comes in, and sometimes it’s all consuming that it sets me back for weeks.

also, it’s the last part of the year. November/December is not my favourite time of the year. Not because of the weather — give me all the cold — but of the seasonal depression.  i sit here thinking “why am i so depressed?” because honestly, i have all i could ever want. but still it creeps in and i don’t know what to do. so i sit. i sleep. i try to read. i try to get into something. but it’s not working.

this House image explains it all, really :

I don’t even know why i’m spilling this out. it’s nice to have an outlet. I also have my husband who in the last 8 years has been a wonderful help to me. But it still happens. It’s a day to day struggle, and i’m fighting to survive.

side note : i just took a super sweet dog that i found in my backyard back home. it’s the little things that make bad days better. like meeting a new animal friend. watching your favourite trashy British soap (thanks, Eastenders!), and friends. i am so grateful for my friends.